Fierce

I had fierce moments of wanting to explode today. Or implode. One of the two.

Being a “single” mom is taking a toll on me and I’m pretty done.

It’s now been seven days on my own with two BABIES who need, need, NEED me all. the. time. and I have 26 hours left.

The boys have been pretty good, but I’m just tired, tired, tired. And that means that little things that shouldn’t be a big deal suddenly appear LARGE.

I’ve never been a violent person, or even a yeller. But today at one point I threw a pair of pajamas on the floor out of frustration. (Levi didn’t see me, I’m glad.) I know it sounds silly—pajama throwing—but internally it was ugly and violent, even if it was just a zippered piece of cotton.

There were also several times where I just wanted to yell at Levi – bark orders, tell him he’s naughty, yell at him to go away. You name it, it probably crossed my mind.

In those moments I try to whisper, as a deliberate way to calm myself down.

And if I wasn’t so opposed to “cry it out” (for the child’s sake), I would have probably left Judah to CIO for mine a time or two.

I can’t remember ever feeling angry before I had kids as much as I do now. They really do bring the best and worst out in you.

And of course I love them fiercely. Much more fiercely than any momentary anger o frustration.

When it all gets boiled down, I know I’m just tired. Tired, and stressed,

And before I know it Ryan will be home and life will be back to normal. (And I’ll just be “normally” tired – haha.) Maybe I will be able to actually get somewhere on our taxes or complete some of my other urgent to-dos that have been piling up.

And hopefully I’ll be able to have a nap, uninterrupted.

26 hours left. For now I’m just remembering to breathe and praying PRAYING for children to sleep so I can too.

STOP.

 

Q for you: My trigger button for anger and frustration is tiredness. What’s yours?

 

Love,
A

 

Click Clink Five | Five minutes a day, unedited.
Adriel also writes (using spell check) on motherhood and parenting on The Mommyhood Memos.

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About Adriel Booker

Writer, speaker, advocate, and non-prof worker. Happily married city-lover, mama, and emoji enthusiast in Sydney, Australia. Author of Grace Like Scarlett (Baker Books, 2018). View all posts by Adriel Booker

8 responses to “Fierce

  • LeiShell

    Oh my gosh, I have soooo had those days! My problem is that I was born frustrated and I lose my patience easily. Sometimes a mommy timeout helps me. I shut the door, pretend to scream, maybe hit a pillow, cry a few tears and usually I feel like I fb yet again handle life. Kids are blessings, joys and amazing, but anyone who says it isn’t work probably has a nanny…cuz it is! Hopefully these 26 hours go by fast and not like a child anxiously waiting for Disneyland….tick. tick.tick. Haha Chin up, we all have those days! My hubby is a fireman and I experience weeks without him from May to October. I’m sure I’ll have one if those fierce moments myself!!

  • LeiShell

    Oh my gosh, I have soooo had those days! My problem is that I was born frustrated and I lose my patience easily. Sometimes a mommy timeout helps me. I shut the door, pretend to scream, maybe hit a pillow, cry a few tears and usually I feel like I can yet again handle life. Kids are blessings, joys and amazing, but anyone who says it isn’t work probably has a nanny…cuz it is! Hopefully these 26 hours go by fast and not like a child anxiously waiting for Disneyland….tick. tick.tick. Haha Chin up, we all have those days! My hubby is a fireman and I experience weeks without him from May to October. I’m sure I’ll have one if those fierce moments myself!!

  • Laura

    I had that kind of day too!! We are finally under the 2 week mark and I feel like the last month is longer than the first 5 combined!! I think they can sense change and it makes them crazy!!! Praying your last day is smooth and enjoyable!!

  • becca

    i was just reflecting on my own anger and frustration yesterday – quite shocking actually how very little things can really get to me when it’s been a long day … and especially if that’s followed by a long night. parenting 2 is really showing me limits and when my release valve (chris) isn’t around i’m having to figure out how to vent in ways that don’t resemble my toddler. 😉 thanks for writing about this – very honest and real.

    • Adriel Booker

      oh yes, i so often see myself in levi’s tantrums/behavior these days. he does exactly what i *feel* like doing. it’s just that i’ve developed a little more self control than he has! trying to remember this helps me to give him grace… but it’s still hard. also makes me think about the way God must sometimes view my own behavior/thoughts/heart…

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