Monopoly

Whenever I meet with young people who are seeking direction, I always tell them not to make big decisions while they are feeling emotional.

That principle has been in my mind a lot this week.

Not that I’m in the process of making any big decisions.

But the number of times I have thought “that’s it, I’m outta here” this week is too many to count.

I’m tired and frustrated and angry and, well, mostly tired. And truthfully? HTe sacrifice of living far away from family just feels too big. It feels too hard.

Rainy season here feels too rainy.

I’ve never liked living here. Not speaking of the base or hte people – our ministry center is amazing and my friends are wonderful (and it really is a privilege to be here – yes, I know this). The city itself is pretty average – not amazing, but not awful either. But around this time every year I begin to think what the heck are we doing here? Seriously.

Of all the places in the world we could be, why are we HERE?

I spend my days cleaning mold off of hte walls, trying to wash clothes adn toys and furniture enough so that it doesn’t grow and destroy everything, (and throwing out things that is has destroyed), and then I rotate everything under fans to dry and get things dry.

Leaving the house is a mammoth effort – getting two babies in the car in the pouring down rain – but they also get stir crazy if we don’t.

This last week has been especially challenging – Ryan away, Judah sick and NOT SLEEPING, Levi cooped up inside.

I’ve been tired nd grumpy and emotional and basically just ready to jump ship.

And then my beloved finally gets home but he, too, is sick. Now he’s hte one in bed and watching tv. (which he needs of course, so it’s totally fine.) But it doesn’t stop me fantasizing that I was the sick one so that I could just retreat to the cover of my bed for a few hours.

Oh yeah, and if you’ve ever lived without a “paycheck”, well then, dang, you know how draining that sometimes feels. (Getting a “paying” job suddenly looks incredibly attractive when those hurdles just. don’t. seem. to. budge.)

If someone handed me plane tickets tomorrow to America to move there na d never look back I would seriously consider taking them.

Only problem is that I know I’d later regret it.

As much as I don’t like it at all here I also know that this is where my family is called to be and serve right now. It might not be forever, but it is for now. So for now I just keep choosing to trust God and believe that this is somehow best.

God is good, so his plans are best. I believe that with all my heart.

But it’s days (weeks) like these that I seriously wish God would hand me a “get out of jail free” pass and let me collect $200 along the way.

If only life were as simple as monopoly.

And if only the sun would come out tomorrow.

STOP.

Q for you: When’s the last time you experienced “when it rains, it pours?”

Love,
A

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About Adriel Booker

Writer, speaker, advocate, and non-prof worker. Happily married city-lover, mama, and emoji enthusiast in Sydney, Australia. Author of Grace Like Scarlett (Baker Books, 2018). View all posts by Adriel Booker

16 responses to “Monopoly

  • Shirley

    I hear ya sister! When it “rains” for me it never drizzles too.
    But then – the flip side of it – we appreciate the Sun more after the heavy downpour. And to catch the “rainbow” – that’s double bonus! (like collecting “rent” straight after the $200 Go Pass!)

    I too wish I have my family during those hard times – I guessed aside from God’s amazing destiny – we too made the choice of saying no to “mediocrity” (cos we love excitement and dread long term predictability).

    Hang in there my friend… Though the tunnel is long and the light is dimmed due to “budget restrictions” – know that eventually we will be out of the “tunnel” and we will be glad we have yet another “tunnel-stories” to tell our children or to blog about…

    A big hug to you,
    Shirls

  • Greta

    I appreciate your honesty Adriel. All too often I think people only blog about the good stuff, making life look so rosy and perfect. It’s easy for a reader on the other end of the screen to feel their life doesn’t compare. Though I wish on a 1000 stars that you weren’t struggling right now and will be fervently praying for you and your family, I do thank you for sharing: the good, the bad, the ugly, and the beauty that comes from it.

    • Adriel Booker

      oh, thanks greta. that’s good to hear. i always feel like i shouldn’t “complain” because i have so much to be thankful for. and yet, i don’t want to sugar coat either. sometimes i feel like it’s a hard balance.

  • Janelle

    Adriel,

    I needed that word today. Thank you for your honesty and for sharing about how difficult life can be, but how through it all, God is good, His plans are best. I too trust and pray that the sun will come out soon and it’s going to be wonderful.

  • Jill L.

    Hey Adriel,

    I can relate to you on this. No, I’m not overseas, but I could go on and on about the times I’ve had similar to yours while living in Australia. But, presently, I’m just feeling very trapped and like I am not living and can’t accomplish even the simplest of tasks in a day, because my almost 5 week old baby has digestive issues, cries frequently, is in pain from gas and upset stomack a lot, eats basically every 2 hours (10 times a day), longest stretch he has ever done at night was 3 1/2 hours, but that is very rare and doesn’t nap well during the day. He is very demanding of my time…there have been days when I’ve held him (while crying off and on) for a straight 6 hours, including feeds. I’m completely sleep deprived and on top of it have all this guilt, because I can’t spend the time that I would like to or that is needed with my just turned 2 year old daughter. On top of this, I’ve omitted dairy from my diet to help the little guy out, which on top of all the above, is a HUGE sacrifice for me. Ok, I could go on and on, but I’ll stop. Sending some love and prayers yoru way 🙂

    • Adriel Booker

      oh geeze jill. that sounds incredibly hard. puts my few weeks into perspective! 😦 i hope you’re getting some sort of support. god knows, you’d need it right now!

  • Jessica (@mommyhoodnxtrt)

    I can so relate to this. I am not living overseas, but I’ve felt what your feeling before. And it sucks. Currently, I’ve been finding myself caught up in the awful mind tripping game of the “what-ifs.” I find myself looking at other people’s lives more than usual and wondering what if such-and-such thing were different in my own life.

    But, I stop myself with the realization that were I am at is where I’m supposed to be and where we are at is where we’re supposed to be, you know? Not acting on emotions is something I’ve learned in recent years, perhaps when I had N.

    I must remind myself that soon, one day, I’ll be able to look back on this time and realize that I never had any reason to question whether what we’re doing this is right for us because it just is…right…for us. And I know the same is true for you and your family. Hugs. One day soon it will make sense even more than it does at this moment. I believe that and I know you do, too. Love how you ended your post.

    • Adriel Booker

      oh, it’s a terrible trap – the “what if” trap!! and yeah, it’s times like these that it’s ESPECIALLY important not to be led by your emotions, ey? self control! ayeee!

  • Rachel

    I know EXACTLY how you feel.

    But the sun does/will come out…maybe not tomorrow…but eventually. But all the same, I’ll pray it literally comes out tomorrow cause toddlers going stir crazy is not fun!

  • Laura

    Oh this was me last month! 36 hours of stomach bug…followed by being in the hospital for dehydration and contractions…double ear infection for the Little Guy and a dead car battery all in one week. It was the one time I’ve just sat in my bed and cried during this deployment thinking I couldn’t make it.

    Whenever I have days…weeks…seasons Luke that I try to remind myself that it isn’t permanent. Yes my big guy is gone but by Gods grace he will come back. Yes my little one is suck but it’s just an infection…not a terminal illness. It always helps me to regroup and remember that God is in control!

    Peter deployed 6 weeks after we moved here and I MISS the friendships you describe!! I know we will have them eventually. Praise God for sweet friends!!!

    I hope the actual sun comes out soon!!

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