Whenever I meet with young people who are seeking direction, I always tell them not to make big decisions while they are feeling emotional.
That principle has been in my mind a lot this week.
Not that I’m in the process of making any big decisions.
But the number of times I have thought “that’s it, I’m outta here” this week is too many to count.
I’m tired and frustrated and angry and, well, mostly tired. And truthfully? HTe sacrifice of living far away from family just feels too big. It feels too hard.
Rainy season here feels too rainy.
I’ve never liked living here. Not speaking of the base or hte people – our ministry center is amazing and my friends are wonderful (and it really is a privilege to be here – yes, I know this). The city itself is pretty average – not amazing, but not awful either. But around this time every year I begin to think what the heck are we doing here? Seriously.
Of all the places in the world we could be, why are we HERE?
I spend my days cleaning mold off of hte walls, trying to wash clothes adn toys and furniture enough so that it doesn’t grow and destroy everything, (and throwing out things that is has destroyed), and then I rotate everything under fans to dry and get things dry.
Leaving the house is a mammoth effort – getting two babies in the car in the pouring down rain – but they also get stir crazy if we don’t.
This last week has been especially challenging – Ryan away, Judah sick and NOT SLEEPING, Levi cooped up inside.
I’ve been tired nd grumpy and emotional and basically just ready to jump ship.
And then my beloved finally gets home but he, too, is sick. Now he’s hte one in bed and watching tv. (which he needs of course, so it’s totally fine.) But it doesn’t stop me fantasizing that I was the sick one so that I could just retreat to the cover of my bed for a few hours.
Oh yeah, and if you’ve ever lived without a “paycheck”, well then, dang, you know how draining that sometimes feels. (Getting a “paying” job suddenly looks incredibly attractive when those hurdles just. don’t. seem. to. budge.)
If someone handed me plane tickets tomorrow to America to move there na d never look back I would seriously consider taking them.
Only problem is that I know I’d later regret it.
As much as I don’t like it at all here I also know that this is where my family is called to be and serve right now. It might not be forever, but it is for now. So for now I just keep choosing to trust God and believe that this is somehow best.
God is good, so his plans are best. I believe that with all my heart.
But it’s days (weeks) like these that I seriously wish God would hand me a “get out of jail free” pass and let me collect $200 along the way.
If only life were as simple as monopoly.
And if only the sun would come out tomorrow.
Q for you: When’s the last time you experienced “when it rains, it pours?”