Tag Archives: insomnia

Groaning in the cold, dark

I lay in bed and the world around me is silent except for the sounds of life, resting.

A few feet away I hear tiny baby breaths and sighs. Next to me I hear heavy and rythmic husband breaths and sighs. And through the open internal door to the next room I hear toddler breaths and sighs.

We share rooms and a heater between the four of us.

Everyone sleeps but me.

Moments later baby stirs. I lay still, barely breathing, hoping he will not wake.

He rolls over. Back asleep.

I sigh with relief just as he stirs again, this time waking with an abrupt cry.

It sounds angry.

After eight months I wonder when he will ever sleep through the night. Except for a few nights he regularly wakes up all throughout the night. Sometimes every two hours, leaving me with four or five or sometimes six hours of sleep, usually broken into several chunks.

I groan and move, not wanting to face the cold night air.

No one said parenting would be easy.

I pull him into bed with me and nurse, nurse, nurse. Wondering how long I can continue on interrupted sleep (and insomnia in between).

I remember that mothers all over the world and all throughout time have done as I’m doing.

Strength.

The days are long but the years are short so I don’t want to waste this time being anxious about the dark hours.

And yet I’m so tired. So, so tired.

I remind myself that this time last year I was about to find out that his life might not be what we thought or expected. And now him being here with us, just like he is – healthy, perfect – is a miracle. Surely I can find the grace for one more night.

And perhaps tomorrow night too.

But my goodness, I’m so tired.

STOP.

 

Q for you: How do you cope with less-than-ideal seasons of sleep?

 

Love,
A

 

Click Clink Five | Five minutes a day, unedited

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Awake

It’s 4:29am.

Last night I slept between the hours of midnight to 3am. Before that, unable to sleep, and then woken by Judah at 3:00.

After feeding him I laid in bed until 4:28, tossing and turning, eyes heavy, mind racing.

Sleep illusive.

So many thoughts run though my head in those hours of the night.

I listen to Ryan breathing heavily on one side of me, Judah breathing lightly on the other, wishing I oculd be asleep like them.

I think of Levi in the next room, and wonder things like “If I had held him more as a baby, would he be more affectionate now?” Only to follow it up with thoughts like, “I loved him fiercely and held him often. Of course he’d be the same. It’s not my actions that have made him so independent, it’s his personality.” (I know that, but in the small hours it’s easy to lose your anchor a little.)

Besides, he is affectionate. He clearly loves me fiercely too.

I yhink of other deep things like “why don’t they sell honey Nut Cherrios in Australia? And cheezeits?”

I think of things I’ve read. I think of people who are affecting my life through what they’ve written or said or have (or haven’t) done.

I think of people who are waiting to hear from me. What will I say? How will I pray?

What does my life speak?

Earlier tonight as I was trying to alow myself to fall asleep I had this thought – what if God’s answer for my plea for “alone time” are these hours of wakefulness during the night when I wishwishwish I was sleeping? Ugh.

And what if it’s not? What if it’s just that I’ve got to learn to let go a litlt more, quiet my mind a little more?

What if I just need to start doing yoga again? (Seriously.)

I thought about all the noise. (I have so much noise.) I read too much, think too much, listen too much, do too much, commit to too much, try to please too much.

And then I think tomorrow will be different. Tomorrow I will simplify.

Because what if that’s what He’s trying to whisper in the dark?

Slow down. Create margin. Be present. Stop multi-tasking. Inhale, exhale.

Have some fun.

Last night before bed (the first time) I put my phone in airplane mode. I won’t switch it back to normal for 24 hours – a Sabbath from the internet. I’ve done the same with my laptop. (Hense, though I’m writing this now, I’m offline so I’ll post it much, much later tonight.)

I’m tired of being notified all. the. time. I’m tired of being constantly available so much so that maybe I’m not available enough to the ones who matter most. Or myself. Or Him.

I only have one chance at this life and I’m certain how I live it is bigger than this life now that I can see.

So I’m up. In the night hours. Listening, waiting, praying. Knowing that there’s something more.

(And still longing and praying for sleep.)

Hello? I’m listening.

STOP.

 

Q for you: Are you awake? Awake when you’re meant to be? Awake when your not meant to be?

 

Love,
A

p.s. I wrote without a timer tonight. I’m guessing it was closer to six minutes, or maybe even seven. Probably seven or eight. I don’t know; I’m tired. #fiveminutefail

 

Click Clink Five | Five minutes a day, unedited.


The cheapest gift

Remember those days when you could function off of 4 hours of sleep?

When I was twenty(ish) I was often getting tiny, tiny amounts of sleep.  Silly amounts.

I was working full time (often with over time). I was going to college at night. I was involved in all sorts of things at church. And I was enjoying a thumping social life.

There was no time to sleep.

And I loved it that way.

I could easily go to bed at 2am, happily exhausted from all the day held, and still wake up at 6:30 for work the next day.

I thought sleep was boring.

Oh how itmes have changed!

If there’s one thing that makes me crazy (or crazier than usual) it’s not getting enough sleep.

I realized recently that I hadn’t had a full nights sleep in almost a year It wasn’t just having a newborn that made me sleepless, but being pregnant also gave me horrible insomia too.

And having two kids under two is a lot of fun, but also a lot of woek. If I want to do anything uninterrupted I have to stay up past their bedtimes to do it.

Not a good combiation with nighttime feedings and earl morning.s wakings.

One day, not that long ago, I was reflecting on just how lack of sleep makes me crazy (irritable, grumpy, overly emotional) and I decided to crash out early.

Like 8:30pm early.

And then judah slept until 7am the next morning.

7 AM! HellothatmeansIsleptovertenhoursstraight. Yeah!

It was like I’d died and gone to heaven.

Only problem was, that now that he’s done that a few times… he’s set a precident htat I’d love for him to keep!

I’m all for babies developing on their own time, and I personally believe sleeping through the night is developmentatal.

So I’ll wiat. These days won’t last long.

But my, oh my, do I love sleeping when I can.

Want to give me an amazing birthday or christmas or mtoehrs day gift? Find me a dark, quiet place and give me 10 hours.

That’s all I want! Cheap and easy.

Well, maybe not easy.

But cheap!

STOP. (47 seconds over!)

Q for you: lack of sleep makes me a little craaaazy. (And makes me have to say “I’m sorry” a whole lot more!) What makes you crazy?

Love,
A

Click Clink Five is a blog by Adriel Booker. | Five minutes a day, unedited. | 2012 All rights reserved. | Adriel also writes on motherhood and parenting at The Mommyhood Memos.