Tag Archives: single mom

Fierce

I had fierce moments of wanting to explode today. Or implode. One of the two.

Being a “single” mom is taking a toll on me and I’m pretty done.

It’s now been seven days on my own with two BABIES who need, need, NEED me all. the. time. and I have 26 hours left.

The boys have been pretty good, but I’m just tired, tired, tired. And that means that little things that shouldn’t be a big deal suddenly appear LARGE.

I’ve never been a violent person, or even a yeller. But today at one point I threw a pair of pajamas on the floor out of frustration. (Levi didn’t see me, I’m glad.) I know it sounds silly—pajama throwing—but internally it was ugly and violent, even if it was just a zippered piece of cotton.

There were also several times where I just wanted to yell at Levi – bark orders, tell him he’s naughty, yell at him to go away. You name it, it probably crossed my mind.

In those moments I try to whisper, as a deliberate way to calm myself down.

And if I wasn’t so opposed to “cry it out” (for the child’s sake), I would have probably left Judah to CIO for mine a time or two.

I can’t remember ever feeling angry before I had kids as much as I do now. They really do bring the best and worst out in you.

And of course I love them fiercely. Much more fiercely than any momentary anger o frustration.

When it all gets boiled down, I know I’m just tired. Tired, and stressed,

And before I know it Ryan will be home and life will be back to normal. (And I’ll just be “normally” tired – haha.) Maybe I will be able to actually get somewhere on our taxes or complete some of my other urgent to-dos that have been piling up.

And hopefully I’ll be able to have a nap, uninterrupted.

26 hours left. For now I’m just remembering to breathe and praying PRAYING for children to sleep so I can too.

STOP.

 

Q for you: My trigger button for anger and frustration is tiredness. What’s yours?

 

Love,
A

 

Click Clink Five | Five minutes a day, unedited.
Adriel also writes (using spell check) on motherhood and parenting on The Mommyhood Memos.


Selfishness, make haste!

While skyping with Ryan tonight he told Levi “two more sleeps” until he comes home. I corrected him saying it was actually three sleeps since Levi will be in bed hours before Ryan flies in at 10:40pm on Sunday night.

Ryan then suggested that he might just wake Levi up to say hello when he gets in.

Immediately I chided, “oh no you won’t! I haven’t slept in two weeks!” (Camping being the week before. And truthfully, I haven’t really slept in six weeks. Or six months. But whatever, not the point.)

It didn’t occur to me until after I hung up that my response was incredibly selfish.

We’re now finishing day six of being on our own and I’m swinging between feeling like supermom and feeling very “alone” and a little sorry for myself. (My response was driven from that second extreme, obviously.)

In many ways it’s not been an easy week at all. (No need for me to launch into details here. You can imagine.)

But in many ways it’s been fun. For the most part, I’ve made the most of it and put in a little effort to do some special things with the boys as I’ve drastically toned down my to-do lists.

Of course, it’s also been tiring. (Very.)

And sleep (the lack and longing of it) often occupies my mind these days.

So that’s why I immediately thoguht of myself when Ryan suggested waking Levi up for a late-night ‘hello’ upon his arrival.

Justified? Maybe.

Selfish? Yeah. Completely.

Ryan’s also been separated from us for six days and misses us like crazy.

I’ll be up anyway (picking him up from the airport) so what’s it to me if he wakes up Levi? Seriously Adriel, sometimes you’re just selfish for no other reason than you’re vision is short-sighted. Like navel-gazing short-sided.

Even if Ryan doesn’t “want” to wake Levi when he gets home on Sunday night… I will make sure it happens. For his sake mostly, and for Levi’s. (Levi is easy to get resettled these days anyway.) But also for mine.

Selfishness, make haste. You are SO unattractive.

STOP.

Q for you: When is the last time you said something without thinking it through and then later realized you were being completely selfish?

Love,
A

p.s. Went over time today. Again.

Click Clink Five | Five minutes a day, unedited.
Adriel also writes (using spell check) on motherhood and parenting on The Mommyhood Memos.