Awake

It’s 4:29am.

Last night I slept between the hours of midnight to 3am. Before that, unable to sleep, and then woken by Judah at 3:00.

After feeding him I laid in bed until 4:28, tossing and turning, eyes heavy, mind racing.

Sleep illusive.

So many thoughts run though my head in those hours of the night.

I listen to Ryan breathing heavily on one side of me, Judah breathing lightly on the other, wishing I oculd be asleep like them.

I think of Levi in the next room, and wonder things like “If I had held him more as a baby, would he be more affectionate now?” Only to follow it up with thoughts like, “I loved him fiercely and held him often. Of course he’d be the same. It’s not my actions that have made him so independent, it’s his personality.” (I know that, but in the small hours it’s easy to lose your anchor a little.)

Besides, he is affectionate. He clearly loves me fiercely too.

I yhink of other deep things like “why don’t they sell honey Nut Cherrios in Australia? And cheezeits?”

I think of things I’ve read. I think of people who are affecting my life through what they’ve written or said or have (or haven’t) done.

I think of people who are waiting to hear from me. What will I say? How will I pray?

What does my life speak?

Earlier tonight as I was trying to alow myself to fall asleep I had this thought – what if God’s answer for my plea for “alone time” are these hours of wakefulness during the night when I wishwishwish I was sleeping? Ugh.

And what if it’s not? What if it’s just that I’ve got to learn to let go a litlt more, quiet my mind a little more?

What if I just need to start doing yoga again? (Seriously.)

I thought about all the noise. (I have so much noise.) I read too much, think too much, listen too much, do too much, commit to too much, try to please too much.

And then I think tomorrow will be different. Tomorrow I will simplify.

Because what if that’s what He’s trying to whisper in the dark?

Slow down. Create margin. Be present. Stop multi-tasking. Inhale, exhale.

Have some fun.

Last night before bed (the first time) I put my phone in airplane mode. I won’t switch it back to normal for 24 hours – a Sabbath from the internet. I’ve done the same with my laptop. (Hense, though I’m writing this now, I’m offline so I’ll post it much, much later tonight.)

I’m tired of being notified all. the. time. I’m tired of being constantly available so much so that maybe I’m not available enough to the ones who matter most. Or myself. Or Him.

I only have one chance at this life and I’m certain how I live it is bigger than this life now that I can see.

So I’m up. In the night hours. Listening, waiting, praying. Knowing that there’s something more.

(And still longing and praying for sleep.)

Hello? I’m listening.

STOP.

 

Q for you: Are you awake? Awake when you’re meant to be? Awake when your not meant to be?

 

Love,
A

p.s. I wrote without a timer tonight. I’m guessing it was closer to six minutes, or maybe even seven. Probably seven or eight. I don’t know; I’m tired. #fiveminutefail

 

Click Clink Five | Five minutes a day, unedited.

The juices are flowing

I’m a creative person. Always have been. And when my creative juices get flowing, I can’t sleep at night.

Literally.

I toss and turn and ideas swim in my head and it takes everything within me not to get out of bed and start activating them

RIGHT NOW.

I’ve never been one who’s good at being patient.

I’ve always been an activator, a do-er.

I don’t like pondering. I don’t really like considering. It geos against my grain to “weigh the options.”

As an adult I’ve had to learn how to do some of those things of course. (And I do, htough I still someitmes struggle.)

But the “make it happen now” part of me is just that – part of me.

As I’ve realized that it’s helped me to see my weakness, but also see the strength in it.

Some of the absolute best things in my life have been done on a whim.

But it’s more than a whim – it’s an instinct.

My blog (both my blogs ctually) were started that way – with about… oh, three minutes of deliberation before just DOING it.

One of the best years of my life (spent backpacking in Europe) was a string of spontaneity, one instinctual decision after another.

And even bigger, more significant things too – Judah was conceived like that. I won’t go into details, because that’s just too much information – ha! – but I will say it was a very specific divine moment of decision.

Then BOOM here he was (and I’ve never looked back, we’ve never looked back). One of the best decisions of my entire life.

Needless to say my creative juices are flowing lately. (Thank you blogging and thank you Pinterest.)

It’s making it very, very hard for me to keep to my goal of a 10:30pm bedtime. *sigh*

Why do I feel so much more creative after dark?

STOP. (Totally went over time on this post!! By almost a minute!! Bah!)

 

Q for you: When’s the last time you made a gut decision on a “whim” and it turned out beautifully?

Love,
A

Click Clink Five is a blog by Adriel Booker. | Five minutes a day, unedited. | 2012 All rights reserved. | Adriel also writes on parenting and motherhood at The Mommyhood Memos.