Last night I slept between the hours of midnight to 3am. Before that, unable to sleep, and then woken by Judah at 3:00.
After feeding him I laid in bed until 4:28, tossing and turning, eyes heavy, mind racing.
So many thoughts run though my head in those hours of the night.
I listen to Ryan breathing heavily on one side of me, Judah breathing lightly on the other, wishing I oculd be asleep like them.
I think of Levi in the next room, and wonder things like “If I had held him more as a baby, would he be more affectionate now?” Only to follow it up with thoughts like, “I loved him fiercely and held him often. Of course he’d be the same. It’s not my actions that have made him so independent, it’s his personality.” (I know that, but in the small hours it’s easy to lose your anchor a little.)
Besides, he is affectionate. He clearly loves me fiercely too.
I yhink of other deep things like “why don’t they sell honey Nut Cherrios in Australia? And cheezeits?”
I think of things I’ve read. I think of people who are affecting my life through what they’ve written or said or have (or haven’t) done.
I think of people who are waiting to hear from me. What will I say? How will I pray?
What does my life speak?
Earlier tonight as I was trying to alow myself to fall asleep I had this thought – what if God’s answer for my plea for “alone time” are these hours of wakefulness during the night when I wishwishwish I was sleeping? Ugh.
And what if it’s not? What if it’s just that I’ve got to learn to let go a litlt more, quiet my mind a little more?
What if I just need to start doing yoga again? (Seriously.)
I thought about all the noise. (I have so much noise.) I read too much, think too much, listen too much, do too much, commit to too much, try to please too much.
And then I think tomorrow will be different. Tomorrow I will simplify.
Because what if that’s what He’s trying to whisper in the dark?
Slow down. Create margin. Be present. Stop multi-tasking. Inhale, exhale.
Have some fun.
Last night before bed (the first time) I put my phone in airplane mode. I won’t switch it back to normal for 24 hours – a Sabbath from the internet. I’ve done the same with my laptop. (Hense, though I’m writing this now, I’m offline so I’ll post it much, much later tonight.)
I’m tired of being notified all. the. time. I’m tired of being constantly available so much so that maybe I’m not available enough to the ones who matter most. Or myself. Or Him.
I only have one chance at this life and I’m certain how I live it is bigger than this life now that I can see.
So I’m up. In the night hours. Listening, waiting, praying. Knowing that there’s something more.
(And still longing and praying for sleep.)
Hello? I’m listening.
Q for you: Are you awake? Awake when you’re meant to be? Awake when your not meant to be?
p.s. I wrote without a timer tonight. I’m guessing it was closer to six minutes, or maybe even seven. Probably seven or eight. I don’t know; I’m tired. #fiveminutefail
Click Clink Five | Five minutes a day, unedited.